


The Lights Are Changing

by allineedisaquill



Category: Peter Kay's Car Share (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Christmas, Dating, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Requited Love, Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allineedisaquill/pseuds/allineedisaquill
Summary: Set the Christmas following 2x04. Kayleigh transferred to the Wigan store and moved into a flat with Kelly after John, consumed with fear and doubt, refused to be anything more than friends. However, fate won’t let their paths separate. Maybe some things are just meant to be...





	1. Torn

Like every day, the bus from work at the Wigan branch was chaos. It had been almost six months and Kayleigh still wasn’t used to rush hour traffic on public transport and having to sit next to strangers. Gone were the days of a red Fiat 500L and a best friend to share journeys with; she spent them with her earphones in listening to anything other than Forever FM.

At least it wasn’t roasting anymore, she thought as the bus crawled on and she watched the light snowfall flurry past her window. It wouldn’t settle thanks to the rain earlier that day but she found it pretty to look at on her long ride home as she tried in vain to take her mind away from her troubles and to the time of year she loved the most.

She’d been the one to put distance between herself and John despite her feelings and the ones she knew he had too. It wasn’t enough to love someone who couldn’t share their heart in return. She wanted better for herself. John was kind, he made her laugh, he was generous and sweet, but it seemed he just wasn’t ready to fully let go of his past in favour of a happier future. Maybe he could live like that, but Kayleigh couldn’t, and so she made the brave decision to transfer and start again.

It wasn’t easy. She still had to resist to urge to call his number, hung up on his cheesy smile and infectious laugh and the way the sun would catch in his eyes. She missed his warmth and wit. She missed the man who had so quickly become another best friend in her life, right as she needed one.

The Wigan store was miserable as sin. The gossip was weak and the people were dull, and her hours felt twice as long as they did at the old store. She missed Elsie and her sharp tongue, Diane’s thirst for drama, and she dare say she even missed Ray. First time for everything.

The cherry on top of the misery cake happened on her last break before the end of her shift, right as she’d been passing the staff room which was being used to hold a brief managerial meeting.

She’d stopped dead outside the door as soon as she heard John’s voice coming from inside, deep in conversation with Dave Thompson and a few other knob-heads. Typically, the conversation wasn’t focused on work at all. She wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, really she wasn’t, but curiosity got the better of her and she pressed herself more firmly to the door to hear what was being said.

What she heard was enough to occupy her mind the rest of the way home.

* * *

Kayleigh walked through her front door twenty minutes later and toed off her heels in the hallway before she made her way through to the kitchen.

“Shit day, love?” Kelly asked from the table where she sat with her laptop, tapping away at the keys without fully looking up.

“You can say that again,” Kayleigh replied.

She was glad to have Kelly home. Her timing couldn’t have been more perfect; a few days after everything with John fell apart, Kelly told her she’d be coming home and within a few weeks they’d moved into a flat together. Her heart may have been broken but at least she had room to breathe again, no more motorbike on the driveway or stepping on people’s toes (despite her Mandy insisting otherwise). She had her own home again, more or less. It was nice.

Kayleigh made them both a brew and seated herself opposite her best friend at the table, steaming mug in front of her. She stared at the swirls that rose and curled in the air before dissipating, lost in her own thoughts for a while until she realised the tapping of Kelly’s laptop keys had stopped.

“You saw him today, didn’t you?” Kelly asked as she pushed her laptop away from her slightly. She tucked a few locks of blonde hair behind her ear and then waited expectantly, both hands around her mug for warmth.

Kayleigh’s first response was defensiveness. “No idea what you’re on about,” she brushed her off. “Been up to anything nice today? Working from home?”

Kelly just fixed her with a knowing look, discerning green eyes full of understanding and compassion. Kayleigh was instantly reminded of just how well her best friend knew her, and immediately she caved.

“Alright, yes, he was at the shop today. I didn’t see him, but I heard him talking after a meeting right before I left.” She lifted her mug to her lips after that, letting the burn of the hot tea chase away the pain of her words.

“I’ve told you, babe, you have to put him behind you,” Kelly said, taking a sip of her own drink. “I know it’s hard but you gave him every chance.”

There were a few beats of silence, then Kayleigh tapped her nails thoughtfully against the side of her mug and sighed. “He’s got a gig coming up with his band.” Before Kelly could open her mouth, Kayleigh continued. “I didn’t hear where and I don’t want to know. You’re right. I gave him every chance and I wasn’t enough to make him take a leap,” she said sadly.

Kelly tutted, reaching her hand across the table to hold Kayleigh’s. “Well he can take a running bloody jump after the nights I’ve spent up with you crying your eyes out over him,” she said, giving her hand a squeeze.

Kayleigh managed a weak smile and put her mug down to cover Kelly’s hand with hers, her fingertips touching the soft knit of her friend’s baby pink jumper. “Thanks, Kel,” Kayleigh replied quietly. After a moment, she withdrew her hand and held her smile in place. “I think I’m gonna take me tea and have a soak,” she decided.

“I’ve got some Lush stuff in my bedroom, use what you want,” Kelly called after her, and Kayleigh called back a grateful, “Will do!” in reply as she made her way down the hall.

* * *

Candles lit, bubble bath ready, clip-in extensions taken out and tea placed carefully on the small drawers next to the tub, Kayleigh sank into the hot water and immediately felt some of her tension ebb away. She was surrounded with sweet floral scents that invaded her senses and as she leaned her head back, she let out a small, relieved sigh and closed her eyes. The biting cold of the snow and wind disappeared and all that remained was the tingle of her skin and the soft sounds of the bubbles against her body.

It wasn’t long before her thoughts drifted to John and his gig. She couldn’t help but wonder where they’d be playing, what songs they’d sing, and whether he’d written any new ones since she’d last let herself check their YouTube channel. Kayleigh remembered all those months ago when John had invited her to see them play, an offer she’d never had the chance to take him up on.

She blinked her eyes open and forced her lower lip not to wobble as she reached for her tea. She drained it and placed it back down and then defiantly got back to relaxing, wiggling her toes amongst the bubbles and losing herself to the way the water’s heat undid all the knots in her muscles.

She’d be fine, she told herself. She would be.

* * *

“I don’t know what you see in him,” Kelly laughed, pausing painting Kayleigh’s nail on her left index finger to look up at the TV. “I mean, I get the whole beard thing he has going on, but half these Hollywood actors look the same to me nowadays,” she went on. “They’re all generic.”

Kayleigh looked affronted. “He’s Jake Gyllenhaal!” She exclaimed, like that explained it all.

Kelly just shook her head and giggled, resuming her nail-painting. “Sorry babe, he’s not quite female enough for me,” she replied with a shrug as she neatly finished another pink, glossy coat.

They’d decided to have a girly night in after Kayleigh’s bath, settling on their sofa in their pyjamas with hot chocolate, some Quality Street, and a few films while their face masks worked their magic and Kelly carefully gave Kayleigh’s nails a spruce up.

“All done!” Kelly finally announced. “Feeling better yet, kid?” She asked as she put the nail polish bottle down and grabbed her hot chocolate, having a generous sip.

She was surprised to find she actually felt better, if only a little. She had her oldest best friend by her side and she was cosy as it continued to snow outside. There was a whole weekend ahead to do nothing but relax and treat herself right, and she found herself smiling.

“Yeah, y’know what, I am,” Kayleigh said, smiling at her friend. “Aw thanks, Kel.” Kayleigh brought her in for a tight hug and Kelly squeezed her, rubbing her back.

“You needed it, I’m tired of watching you mope,” Kelly replied.

Kayleigh sighed and admired her freshly painted nails. “I can’t help it. I really thought he was the one, you know? I thought he wanted what I wanted and I’ve never felt like a bigger idiot. I put my heart on the line and he couldn’t do the same, Kel. It’s not fair.”

Kelly offered her a sympathetic smile. “Blokes are clueless. I’ll tell you something though, I’ve had plenty of girlfriends who were just as bloody ignorant. Don’t know what they’ve got until it’s gone,” she told her. “If they can’t give you as much back, you shouldn’t waste your time. You deserve so much better, love.”

At her friend’s words, Kayleigh’s tears began to fall. She covered her crumpled face with her hands, hiding the evidence of her pain still somewhat raw even almost half a year later. Kelly pulled her back into another hug, heartbroken to see Kayleigh so devastated and hurt.

“Hey, I forgot to say I have a surprise for you,” Kelly mentioned gently.

Intrigued, Kayleigh pulled back and clapped her hands together, eyes sparkling. She wiped away her tears and sniffed. “For me?” She asked, a watery smile on her face.

Kelly nodded and reached to the coffee table for her discarded laptop, opening the closed lid to bring the screen to life. She spun it around to show Kayleigh what was on it.

“I was looking up mature student courses in hair and beauty, and...well, there’s actually quite a lot of choice. You were talking about it a few weeks ago, how you wished you could go back and finish that course now, and you can. You actually can.” Kelly grinned, raising her eyebrows. “Kayleigh, you can do it if you want to. The option is right there. Grab life by the balls.”

Kayleigh stared at the screen in shock, all the potential suddenly at her fingertips. She could go and study, work it around her job, and maybe one day she could quit completely and become a beautician instead. A fresh start. She was momentarily reminded of a conversation in a red Fiat many months ago, about squeezing every last drop out of life…

“Do you really think I could?” Kayleigh asked quietly, biting her lip.

Kelly put the laptop back and turned to Kayleigh, a warm hand on her arm. “Babe, I think you _should_. Go and make something of yourself, live for you and make yourself happy. I think you’re just gonna be setting yourself up for misery staying where you are. It’s time to put it all behind you. Including John.”

For a second, the words stung. Then Kayleigh squared her shoulders and nodded to herself. “Will you help me apply tomorrow?” She asked determinedly, sounding sure.

“That’s my girl!” Kelly replied with a huge smile. “Oh, and another thing, I’m taking you to a Christmas Fair tomorrow. There’s a big market, lots of food, mulled wine, and I was thinking we could get a few decorations for our tree! First one together and all that, I thought it’d be nice.”

Kayleigh couldn’t help the wide grin that threatened to split her face in half. She loved Christmas and before Kelly had announced her return home, she’d been so depressed and afraid at the thought of spending her favourite time of year alone with a freshly broken heart. Now she at least had a home and someone to share it with, and she’d be going to see Mandy, Steve, and the kids for dinner on Christmas Day. All things considered, she wasn’t doing too badly after all.

“I can’t wait!” Kayleigh exclaimed.

It was the first genuine excitement she’d felt in what seemed like forever.


	2. Real Trees Are A Ball-Ache

Kayleigh greeted the day with an upbeat attitude, one she hadn’t been able to muster for the longest few months. She danced to _Uptown Funk_ on the radio while she made breakfast in her pyjamas, buttering toast and wiggling her hips. Kelly joined in as she entered the kitchen, sorting their coffees as she sang along and shuffled her feet, fluffy socks sliding on the tiles.

“Think it’s the first song they’ve played in days that isn’t a Christmas song,” Kelly commented.

“I’ve got me CD for the car,” Kayleigh said. “All the best ones. Mariah Carey, Slade, the lot.” She was apprehensive about singing along to music in the passenger seat of someone’s car again, but Kayleigh knew it was one of life’s things that she couldn’t put off forever. She had to rip the plaster off and let herself have fun again. She deserved that much.

“The Pogues as well?” Kelly asked as she settled beside Kayleigh at the kitchen table, setting her laptop down that she’d quickly grabbed from the living room.

“Yeah, they’re on,” Kayleigh said. “Are we doing this now?” She nodded to the laptop as Kelly pulled up the application screen they’d looked at yesterday. Kayleigh felt the butterflies return.

“Up to you, chick,” Kelly said as she sipped her coffee. “I thought if you get it done now, it’s out of the way and you can enjoy today free of troubles. You got your details handy?”

Kayleigh liked the sound of that. The only niggling worry she had was telling work, but she hoped that working around her education would be no problem for them. She couldn’t be the first, after all.

“I’ll fetch my folder. Got it all organised and everything, won’t be sec.”

Once her application was out of the way, she could get on with enjoying festivities with her best friend and there was nothing she wanted more. Well, almost nothing. She pushed the thought of John to the back of her head as she made for her room to find her personal records. Nothing was going to get in the way of her happiness and success, she was determined.

It was time to make her life her own and squeeze every last drop out of it.

 

* * *

 

Fifteen minutes later, their plates of toast were cleared and their mugs of coffee were drained. Together they’d put all of Kayleigh’s required information into the forms on the website and her application was complete.

“All done. Just got to press send.” Kelly turned the laptop on the table to face Kayleigh, a smile on her face as she nodded to the screen. “You want to do the honours?”

Kayleigh squared her shoulders and gave her best friend a nervous smile, then she reached out and clicked the button with her index finger. The application was sent and a congratulatory message popped up on screen.

“No going back now,” she said, biting her lip. Her life was about to change, hopefully for the better, and it was going to be a lot of hard work. Kayleigh couldn’t deny the fear that crept up her back and made her shiver. She knew she was capable but it didn’t stop her palms from sweating. For so long she’d lived the same old life, shifts in a store where she wasn’t quite content but she wasn’t completely unhappy either, and suddenly she was turning it all on its head and taking a bold step towards a better future. It scared the living shit out of her if she was going to be totally honest.

Kelly didn’t hesitate in wrapping a comforting arm around her shoulders. “Come here,” she soothed, sensing Kayleigh’s nervousness. “I’m so proud of you. Don’t you worry about anything, you’re gonna get qualified and be happy.” She kissed Kayleigh’s cheek and patted her arm. “Right. Didn’t I say something about a Christmas fair? You can’t go like that.”

Kayleigh whacked her friend’s leg playfully and stood up. “We’d best get ready then.”

“Oh and Kayleigh? Turns out we need to actually buy a tree before we buy the decorations for it.”

Laughter filled their flat.

 

* * *

 

By the time they left the flat it was already almost twelve noon and snow was falling from the sky in a steady flurry. The car heating was on and Kayleigh left her jacket in her lap, content to sit in her white penguin jumper as the warmth from the car settled in her bones and she watched the white drift from the heavens and cover everything in a blanket. Unlike the day before, it was sticking fast, and Kayleigh was excited to wander around the Christmas fair in the magical downpour.

“Stick your CD on if you want,” Kelly said as they pulled away from the curb.

Kayleigh did so and pressed play. They sang to Christmas songs for the entire forty-five minute drive and Kayleigh was surprised to find it wasn’t nearly as painful to do that with someone else as she’d feared. She felt happy and light. She felt _good_.

 

* * *

 

The car park was almost full when they arrived at the fair and they were lucky to find a spot. As soon as they stepped from the car, the smell of sweet pastries, warm food, mulled wine and hot chocolate hit their senses. They shrugged their jackets on and together they made their way towards the bustling crowds and sounds of merriment, ready to enjoy their day.

A gravel path led from the huge car park down to the main fair itself, lined with trees that were strung with various sized fairy lights and lanterns. At the bottom, the path opened up to a field that stretched for miles, completely full of stalls selling everything you could think of; crafts, sweets, hand-knitted gifts, continental snacks, hot fast food, decorations, charms, jewellery, perfumes, alcohol, greetings cards, and even things for pets. There was face painting, charity stands, a section full of real and fake Christmas trees for sale, and a main stage with rows of outdoor seating set away from the market where various musicians, dancers, and entertainers would be playing to the crowds throughout the day and into the evening.

It was magical and Kayleigh let her worries slip away as they meandered through the people and chatted to stall owners about their businesses and their plans for the holidays. They shopped for a few hours until the afternoon started to draw in, the beginnings of the winter evening showing. The lights stood out a little more against the darkening sky and the atmosphere seemed to pick up. A musician took to the stage and played a few Christmas covers with nothing but a ukulele and a microphone and Kayleigh marvelled at the talent and the happy buzz it sent through her.

From the stalls she bought a pair of Christmas pudding earrings and a pair of pink knitted gloves from one sweet man originally from Italy. The man’s wife handed them both a warm doughnut each for being so sweet as they spoke, wishing both herself and Kelly a merry Christmas, and Kayleigh couldn’t keep the smile off of her face at the kind gesture as she thanked them profusely.

“I love this,” Kayleigh said as they found some seating away from the bustle of people to eat. Her face was tinged pink from the cold and she rubbed the chill from her nose with a gloved hand.

“I’m glad, you deserve to have a laugh and relax,” Kelly replied, tucking her hair behind her ear. “We should go and pick a tree out next before they all go and before it gets too dark. They’re quite close to the car park so we should be able to carry it to the boot. That okay with you?”

“As long as it’s not one of those tacky pink ones,” Kayleigh said.

Kelly laughed, tipping her head back. “I thought those’d be right up your alley!”

“Likely!” She said. “I like them traditional me, reminds me of being a kid, doesn’t it you? Can’t be doing with real ones though, they make a right shit house of your carpet after an hour.” The last sentence was spoken around a mouthful of doughnut.

“Yeah, I like the green ones best as well. White ones are okay but I prefer green. God, we had a real one the other year and I was hoovering until Easter. Right ball-ache,” Kelly complained.

“Tell me about it. Our Mandy gets a real one every year and I dunno how she does it.”

Kelly knocked her shoulder against Kayleigh’s as they finished their treats. “Do you want a quick selfie? We’ll send it to your Mandy on Snapchat, she’ll love that. Seeing you out and about and that.”

“Oh, go on then,” Kayleigh agreed, shuffling closer as Kelly pulled out her phone. They managed to get some of the fair behind them, the lights giving the photo a golden, magical glow. It seemed to make their grinning faces that bit brighter. Kelly saved it to her phone and sent it to Mandy too.

“Aw, I like that,” Kayleigh said softly, having a moment to appreciate their friendship.

“Come on, you,” Kelly said, bringing her out of it. “Let’s get this tree sorted and I might get you a mulled wine after,” she said as they both stood.

As they headed for the Christmas trees, Kayleigh was glad they’d decided to both wear wellies as the snow was still coming down thick, turning the field slightly muddy. Most people had had the same idea but she felt sorry for the people she passed who hadn’t, their shoes already covered.

Kayleigh hummed to _Let It Snow_ as they inspected a few of the smaller fake trees tucked away beside some larger real ones. One in particular was scented, which delighted them both.

“It smells real!” Kayleigh remarked, crouching to sniff it properly. “Oh my god, Kels, we have to get this one.” She checked the price tag hanging from one of the branches and grinned. “It’s £35.”

“Suppose we’re getting that one then,” Kelly said to the stall owner as they both laughed at Kayleigh.

The owner gave them an identical one already boxed up new, and once they paid they were left to carry it back to the car. It wasn’t as easy a task as they’d predicted and the tree was a lot heavier than it looked, taking both of them to lift it at each end for them to be able to manage properly. Even then, it was hard to navigate the wet, muddied field in the growing darkness amongst an ever-growing sea of people.

They were almost to the gravel path that led to the car park when Kayleigh lost her footing completely, her foot making contact with a sodden patch of grass and sliding straight over. She felt herself falling back, the momentum of the box against her weighing her down. It happened in slow motion and Kelly was powerless to help.

Instead of colliding with the ground, however, Kayleigh’s back collided with something soft, and in a flash a pair of arms were underneath hers to keep her anchored in a somewhat standing position with her knees bent. Her end of the box landed on the floor, Kelly still holding her end up. Her chest heaved and her eyes were wide like saucers, blinking rapidly.

She craned her neck to look around and up at who caught her, and if she couldn’t breathe before, she definitely lost all her breath then. Her heart thudded painfully once, twice.

“John?” It came out as more of a pathetic wheeze than anything.

John looked down at her with his head tilted, a bemused expression on his face with something else much more unreadable beneath the surface. He held her gaze and held her steady.

“Kayleigh.”


	3. Take A Chance On Me

Kayleigh scrambled to find her footing, practically leaping away from John’s hold. She stared from Kelly to John and back again, smoothing down her jumper and jacket with an awkward clearing of her throat. Nothing could have prepared her for that moment of complete horror, and suddenly she was face to face with the person she was trying to get over. She didn’t know how to speak.

“I take it you’re the infamous John,” Kelly said in a scathing tone, still holding her end of the tree box. Kayleigh watched as her best friend looked John up and down, clearly displeased at his arrival. She caught the uncomfortable expression on John’s face and the way he swallowed down nerves. It was so hard to control the way her heart leapt into her throat.

“That’s me, yeah,” he replied quietly. “Do you need a hand?” He gestured to Kayleigh’s end of the box still on the ground, the edge sodden with mud and melted snow. It was a sorry sight.

At his offer, Kayleigh straightened her back and purposefully picked up the box again without looking at John once. “We can manage, thanks,” she said sharply, keeping Kelly’s gaze and silently begging her to just walk with her away from the mess. To her relief, Kelly understood completely.

“Yeah, we’ve got it,” Kelly insisted firmly, and without another word they began walking towards the gravel path to take them back to the car park. There were no more slips or falls, thankfully.

Kayleigh didn’t look back until they’d put the tree in the boot of Kelly’s car and shut it again, but she was too late. John had disappeared amongst the sea of people. She should have felt relief, she told herself. She should have been glad he’d taken the hint and left them alone, but all she felt was a numb emptiness in the pit of her stomach where he once filled her up with butterflies and warmth. She was fiercely reminded all at once of her love and the connection they’d shared, and how much she hurt without it. She stared at the spot where he’d stood as her face fell to the floor, her heart along with it.

She sighed and tugged off her gloves, patches soaked with mud and snow from carrying the box, and shoved them into her coat pockets angrily. It was then that she realised the spot beside Kelly’s car that had been empty when they arrived was occupied, with none other than a red Fiat 500L. Of all the places he could have parked, he’d unknowingly picked the space right next to them.

The air was plucked from her lungs and she was hit with a million memories; songs on the radio, the scent of the interior, a drunken almost-kiss, their hands held up in a triumphant fist. She didn’t even realise how her freshly painted nails dug into her palm as she gazed at the car that had once held so much happiness and hope and laughter. It was like looking back into the past at what she once had but no longer did and it hurt. It hurt so much that it felt like her insides were on fire.

“Hey,” Kelly said from beside her, an arm winding around her back. “We can go if you want.”

Kayleigh blinked away her tears. It was tempting, the idea of fleeing back to comfy pyjamas and ice cream, to wallow in her sorrows and cry some more. She’d made it that far though, and she’d been having fun. That morning she’d applied to change the rest of her future and she’d be damned if she was going to let anything, least of all a man, drag her down after she was trying so hard to pick herself up again. She wasn’t going to let it happen. She was stronger than that and she knew it.

“No, we’re staying,” Kayleigh said steadily. “We haven’t bought our decorations yet, anyway!”

Kelly regarded her for a moment, then her gentle face broke out into a smile and she scrunched her nose up as she pulled Kayleigh sideways into a hug. “That’s my girl.”

 

* * *

 

They wandered back to the market stalls and eventually found a particular stall full of hand-crafted, beautifully decorated ornaments, some to hang on trees and some to adorn mantles and tables. Felt stitched robins, wood-carved trees, delicate baubles and snowflakes made of glass, angels and reindeer and personalised hearts with different names in script across the front. Some things had glitter, some things were more plain and traditional, and some things were bright and bold and much more modern in pinks, purples, blues.

Kelly and Kayleigh decided to go with gold and silver decorations, some baubles of different sizes with intricate patterns in glitter swirling all around. They chose various wooden decorations, liking the idea of how they’d look against the green of the tree and the golden glow of the fairy lights. The only thing they hadn’t found was something to top the tree off.

“We’ll find something,” Kelly reassured when it was clear there was nothing they could settle on.

Kayleigh gave her a pout. “I hope so, you can’t have a tree without something on top.”

Her friend laughed as they paid for their items, putting them carefully in a small, festively red carrier bag. They gave a friendly goodbye and left.

The sun had fully set, the stalls fully illuminated with lights of every colour along with the trees lining the edge of the fair. Kayleigh noted the way her fingers had started to become numb from the cold.

“Did you say something about mulled wine? Me fingers are gonna drop off if I don’t warm them up,” she said as she rubbed them together to emphasise her point.

Kelly nodded to a stall just ahead and linked her arm through Kayleigh’s. “Come on then.”

 

* * *

 

Kayleigh heard the announcement when they were in line to get their drinks.

“Hello, everyone,” a familiar Northern voice said into a microphone. She felt her chest squeeze.

It was followed by a different man’s voice. “We’re Compendium and we’re gonna play you a few songs if that’s okay. Sing along if you know ‘em, don’t be shy.”

The duet began and music filled the field, the combination of acoustic guitar and keyboard, and when Kayleigh heard John sing the first few words of ‘Last Christmas’ she couldn’t hold back. She didn’t know if Kelly called after her or followed her as she walked towards the direction of the growing audience and the band, she only knew to follow the sound of John’s voice. She had to see him, up on a stage in a way she’d never seen before. She didn’t know why, and she found she didn’t care in that moment.

She found herself at the back of the crowd, nestled amongst other onlookers who tapped their feet and fingers and sang along with smiles on their faces as they swayed. It was dark and she was unseen and invisible between the other people, wide-eyed and lips slightly parted as she finally landed her eyes on the man on stage. The man she’d once called her best friend. The man she loved.

John’s fingers moved easily across his keys, a gentle twinkle in his eyes with the corners of his mouth upturned as he went through the song. He was wearing a suit, but not the kind of suit she’d seen him wear to work day in, day out. His jacket was a soft blue-grey, paired with a paler grey shirt and darker grey trousers. His hair was in its familiar, slightly tousled state, and Kayleigh found it unfair how put-together and smart he looked when inside she was falling apart. She watched as he smiled at people on the first few rows and felt her chest tighten even more. She’d missed it, painfully so.

Kayleigh had often thought about seeing him play, back when they were friends. She’d imagined how happy she’d be to see him sing in person, to light up a room the way he lit up their journeys, but she’d never imagined it in that situation. She could never have prepared for the heaviness in her heart and the way it tugged down into her stomach every time he looked happier than she’d felt in months. She never wanted it to be that way, she never wanted to be just another face in a crowd. She wanted to matter. She wanted to be the one, not just someone.

Her tears fell before she could stop them, hot and thick and no doubt smearing her mascara down her cheeks and leaving tracks in her foundation. She looked south, unable to watch any longer, and her shoulders shook silently as John and his partner played on, oblivious to her heart breaking all over again at the back of the crowd.

At least she thought she’d gone unnoticed until she heard the music abruptly stop. People muttered around her in confusion and Kayleigh stole a glance up with misty eyes.

John was in his same spot on stage but he was looking right at her with a look of anguish and sorrow. His partner was staring at him awkwardly as he rubbed the back of his neck, and someone from the crowd shouted out for them to keep playing. Kayleigh wanted nothing more than for the earth to open up and swallow her whole as people caught on and followed John’s line of sight until their gazes landed on her, utterly confused. She felt like she couldn’t breathe at all, the cold suddenly so all-consuming that it chilled her to the bone.

“Sorry folks, we’re gonna have to take a quick break,” Jim said into the mic, still watching John.

Kayleigh couldn’t look away as John took that as his cue to finally break out of his trance and move. She watched as he gulped nervously and took the few steps down from the raised stage and she stayed still as a statue as he made his way towards her through the people starting to filter away. Her feet felt like cement blocks, too heavy for her to lift. She couldn’t walk away if she tried.

He came to a stop before her. His hands clenched at his sides and he looked lost, so lost, the spark gone from his eyes. She realised then that maybe it had all been for show. Maybe he was just as miserable. She’d barely been able to see past her own heartbreak for months to consider his.

“Kayleigh,” he said quietly, just like earlier. His voice broke halfway through the syllables.

The snow had started to fall again. She watched as flakes settled on his lashes as he blinked at her slowly, as they melted into his hair and against his suit. She shivered and blinked back, and for the life of her she couldn’t think of a single thing to say. All she could do was look.

John opened his mouth to speak again but he was interrupted by Kelly, stepping beside Kayleigh with a firm hand to her back. Her eyes pierced John’s. He instantly closed his mouth.

“Kayleigh love, you okay?” She asked, leaning close to her friend’s ear. “Wondered where you’d gone.”

It took Kayleigh a moment to respond, still staring at John with a far-away look on her face, but then she snapped out of it and sniffed, turning with a brave smile to face the blonde woman.

“Give us a minute, yeah?” She asked, eyes still wet with tears. “Please, Kels. I’ll be okay.”

Kelly looked unsure, glancing back to John who stood with his hands in his pockets as he stared at the floor. She frowned and cupped Kayleigh’s face, wiping her makeup stains away.

“Okay, you know what’s best for you. I’m gonna go get a drink and wait in the car. Text me,” she said, then leaned in for a quick hug which Kayleigh returned gratefully, momentarily sinking into her best friend’s warmth and comfort. It steeled her nerves and gave her a small dose of courage which she desperately needed, and she rubbed Kelly’s back as she pulled away again.

“Thank you,” she whispered between them, and with that Kelly made her exit with a final wary look.

They were left alone, then, besides the people still milling around on the outskirts of their space. Kayleigh felt the nerves bubbling up, the raw hurt and the longing, the urge to fall into old habits of jokes and small-talk and to just laugh together again. She felt it all, everything an inner conflict of what she needed vs what she wanted and if they could even be the same thing anymore without causing herself further mental damage. She watched John who watched her back, his face etched with the same feelings she knew she also bore. She knew they needed to start somewhere.

“So–”

“So–”

It was typical of them really, so typical, and Kayleigh let out a short laugh before she could stop herself. She saw him raise his eyebrows in surprise and his lips tugged up into a smile. For a brief second, the ache in her heart was replaced with something easy and familiar.

She cleared her throat. “Can we sit?” The area filled with people who’d wanted to listen to the music was empty save for a few elderly people dotted about, catching their breaths. She didn’t want to stand and hover, she wanted to feel at least somewhat grounded as they talked. She was already afraid she was going to fall for the second time that night, her legs like jelly.

“Yeah,” he said lightly, and he turned on his heel to lead them to the far right corner of the seating, away from everyone else.

It was almost unreal to be sat beside him, feeling his warmth against her left side where she felt so cold. Their legs were almost touching and Kayleigh clasped her hands tightly in her lap. John was sat much the same, his thumbs twiddling together in the nervous way she knew too well. It was smooth, the way she picked up and recognised everything she’d tried to push down and forget, everything she’d tried falling out of love with. He still wore the same aftershave, of course he did, a man so set in his ways, so stubborn and unchangeable. She breathed it in and tried to compose herself and work out exactly what she wanted to say.

John got there first.

“I’m sorry.” The words sounded soft but they were laced with pain and regret. Kayleigh turned her head to watch him quietly, holding her hands together more tightly. He was watching her with an open expression, reminiscent of the one he had that night in their Harry Potter costumes when she’d nearly snogged him in the front seat. It was a rare look on him. She was intrigued.

His eyes searched hers as he continued. “I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. That’s you, by the way, in case I’ve never made that clear in the past.” He managed a minute smile again, then licked his lips thoughtfully. “I was scared. You were suddenly all I could think about, and I was pissin’ terrified I’d screw it all up and ruin our friendship as well as anythin’ else because that’s what’s happened before. It went stale, I couldn’t stand to be around them, and that was what scared me the most.” Kayleigh saw the tears form in his eyes so fast and she fought against reaching out. “I didn’t want that,” he confessed. His voice cracked further. “I didn’t want to let m’self love you, give you everythin’, and wake up one day without being able to look at you.”

Kayleigh sighed in frustration and bit her lip. She couldn’t deny how absurd the thought was in her own head. She couldn’t ever imagine waking up and resenting John that way. She could only picture happiness at having the man of her dreams by her side. The idea that one day their incredible chemistry could go stale was the last thing on her mind whenever she thought of him. She never even considered it a possibility, yet it was John’s biggest fear. That was where they differed, and she wondered if she’d tried hard enough to understand it.

“I don’t think it would go stale,” she told him honestly. John smiled wider at that, but she kept her expression firm and even. “I mean it. I don’t understand how you could think so.”

John tilted his head to the side, taken aback. He frowned and shook his head. “No, no, that’s where you’re goin’ wrong, Kayleigh. Deep down, I honestly don’t think it could either, but it’s this constant nigglin’ doubt in ‘back of my head that tells me it might, that I might lose everythin’ all over again.” He became frustrated and ran a hand through his hair, doing his best to explain despite all of it being his weak point, the thing he struggled with the most. “I don’t know how I’d cope having everything with you and then having to be without it. I don’t know how I’d cope hurting you of all people. It’s the last thing you deserve. I thought if we could at least be friends, we–”

“No.” Kayleigh cut him off. Her tears were back and her hands shook. “Don’t make this about protecting me, John.” She saw the flash of shock and pain on his face and ignored the pull of her gut. “This isn’t about you not wanting to hurt me, it’s about you being a coward and refusing to take a chance before you’d even tried.”

She stood up, away from his warmth and his distraught expression staring after her. He remained seated as she looked down at him, arms crossed tightly over her front.

“It hurts too much to just be friends. Maybe, one day, yeah,” she said, wiping underneath her left eye at the tears trickling down. “But not now. I can’t. I need space. I need to get–” She let herself breathe. “If you won’t give us a chance, I need to get over you.” She held his gaze, shattering before him.

The last thing she expected was for John to stand too, the space between them agonisingly small. She followed his eyes up, their height difference more apparent when she wasn’t in heels. He looked back down at her, his face softer than she’d ever seen it and so full of love. Pure, unmasked love. It was all she could do not to break down completely. She valiantly held it together, held her ground.

“I don’t want to be scared anymore,” he told her, his sincerity shining through. “I miss you. I miss having someone to sing with in the car, I miss your laugh and your stories. The past few months have been the most miserable ones of my life, Kayleigh. I can’t do it anymore.”

Kayleigh felt her head go light. She blinked and tried to process what he’d said.

“What are you saying?” She said hesitantly, not quite daring to believe.

John let out a puff of laughter. “I’m saying… I’m saying that I made a mistake in lettin’ you walk away. Yeah, I’m still f’cking petrified I’ll somehow mess it up, but if anyone is worth that risk it’s you, Kayleigh Kitson. I should have known that all along. I want to at least try to be happy, to make _you_ happy.” He looked down from her eyes. “I’m sorry if I’ve missed my chance. I wouldn’t blame you if you walked away.”

Kayleigh’s ears rang and the corners of her vision blurred with tears. Her mouth opened with relief, her face crumpled, and she could barely hold her smile from how much she wanted to burst. She covered her mouth and nose with the back of a shaking hand and squeezed her eyes shut. She was faintly aware of John whispering, “Come here,” before she was pulled into an embrace.

She felt lips ghost at her hairline, the warmth of John’s breath on her forehead. Her hands slid beneath his suit jacket, clutched at the shirt beneath as she clung to the man she thought she’d lost forever. She sought out his body heat like she was drowning, her face pressed to his chest. His body was soft, strong, sturdy, an anchor as she fought to resurface and breathe again. She focused on the scent of him, his aftershave and the cotton of his clothes, and she let herself melt into the solace he offered as her tears slowly subsided. One arm held her around her waist, the other was loosened as his hand rubbed her back. Kayleigh could have stayed there forever, tucked away from the snow.

“Are you okay?” His voice rumbled. She felt his mouth brush her skin as he spoke.

Kayleigh nodded against him and sniffed. “Yeah,” she mumbled. “Just…a bit shocked. A lot shocked.”

John laughed and her body shook with him. “Me too. Wasn’t expecting today to end like this, if I’m honest.” It was true. Never in a million years could anything have prepared him for it.

Something shifted, and Kayleigh pulled back from John’s arms. She had a curious look on her face, curious and a little bit accusatory. She had a stiff upper lip.

“If we hadn’t seen each other today, would you have got in touch? Would you have said this?” She asked, and she expected nothing but an honest answer. She deserved that much, and she hoped John would oblige. She wanted it to be a deliberate, thought-out decision. She wanted him to want it as much as she did, to pour everything he had into giving them a shot.

John shone her a toothy smile, the twinkle back in his eyes. “Yeah, actually, I would. I’ve been thinking about it non-stop, all the bloody time, every day. I didn’t know when’d be the right time to get in touch, then I realised there probably wouldn’t be. I just had to say ‘balls to it’ and do it.”

To his credit, he was utterly transparent, and Kayleigh knew he meant every word. She fixed her gaze on one of his jacket buttons and tried to get a hold on how overwhelming it all was.

“Took you long enough,” she commented casually despite there being nothing casual about the situation at all. It was charged, heavy, full of hope and promise of better and happier tomorrows.

“Yeah,” John agreed with a nod. “Hope I can make up for that,” he said, making Kayleigh smile.

The moment was ruined when Jim appeared beside them with a clearing of his throat. They both stepped back a little, their eyes on John’s band partner.

“Sorry to kill the mood, lovebirds,” he said, “but we’ve missed our slot. There’s another band due to start so we need to clear our kit.” He looked put out but not angry. He gave Kayleigh a genuine smile and then focused on John. “We need to crack on.”

John gritted his teeth in regret. “Jim, I’m sorry mate.”

His friend just rolled his eyes. “No worries. You owe me one, though.” He made to leave, then paused. “I’m Jim, by the way, the better half of the band,” he joked to Kayleigh, and he held his hand out for her to shake which she did so. “Nice to meet you, love. Now come on, you,” he shot at John, “if you’re gonna ruin our set you can carry the heavy shit back to the car.” With that, he walked away in the direction of the stage.

Kayleigh bit her lip to hide a smile. “That’s you told. You’d better go and help him,” she said.

John hummed in agreement. “I suppose I’d better, yeah,” he replied, and his face turned hopeful. “I’ll give you a call?” He asks, letting her set the boundaries, choose how she wanted to handle it.

“I’d like that,” she told him, clasping her hands in front of her as she beamed at him.

She wasn’t sure how they were exactly going to say goodbye, but she definitely didn’t expect John to gently cradle her elbow while he leaned in and gave her forehead a tender kiss. His lips lingered for just a fraction of a second before he retreated and her eyes remained closed for a few more seconds after that. When she opened them again, she was left to wonder if the redness spread on his cheeks and the tips of his ears was strictly from the cold. She concluded that it was lovely either way.

“See you,” Kayleigh breathed.

“See you,” John replied. He squeezed her elbow, then he reluctantly followed in Jim’s footsteps towards the stage, ready to pack away their equipment and carry it all to his car.

Kayleigh watched him go as something wondrous and inexplicable bloomed in her chest and threatened to make her feet leave the ground, but eventually she turned and began the walk back to the car park. She fished her mobile from her jeans pocket to type a text to Kelly and let her know she was on her way. When she pocketed it again, she heaved a laugh and tipped her head back against the snow as she walked.


	4. Not A U-Turn, But A Re-Route

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and kudos, it means a lot that people have loved this story so far and want to see it continue. Here's the next instalment, and apologies it's taken so long. Enjoy!

“So let me get this straight: he swans back into your life, bold as brass, and expects a second chance?” Kelly asked as they drove through the winding roads back to their flat. She shook her head briefly. “I know where I'd have told him to shove it,” she added disapprovingly.

Beside her in the passenger seat, Kayleigh sighed and turned to face the window. She watched the Christmas lights illuminated in people's windows and on the sides of their houses, briefly warmed by the reminder of her favourite time of year. Not so far back in her mind, she was also reminded of the Christmas team she should have been working in, the one she had begged to be part of. The thought left a sour taste in her mouth, but she swallowed it down and replaced it with the matter at hand.

“I knew you'd think I was daft and I don't blame you, but you didn't see him, Kel,” she said, her voice soft with emotion. “I know he let me down, but I still know him. I don't think he's having me on or messing me about; he's not that type, not with something like this. You don't know what he's like with emotions.” She twined her long curls around her fingers.

“He didn't have to pick up the pieces, babe,” Kelly reminded her. “You know I'm always here for you and I can't make your choices for you, but I don't wanna watch you go through that again.” Her friend met her eyes in the mirror, a serious look on her face.

The words stung but rang true. Kelly had been there for the aftermath, all the nights crying and mourning the loss of a friendship and a potential romance after so long yearning for someone like John in her life. She had built her up, reassured her about the transfer to a new branch with new faces and a longer commute. Of course she didn't want to see Kayleigh suffer fresh wounds by the same hand, and of course she was wary of John's intentions.

“He just said he'd give me a ring,” Kayleigh said, giving Kelly another glance. “Believe you me, this isn't me dropping all the progress I've made to go running back. This is my decision on my terms, what's best for me.” She sounded sure of herself, chin stubbornly tipped up just a fraction.

Kelly finally turned onto their street. “It's your life, chick. I just want you to be happy. Make sure you give him the Scarborough warning from me that if he breaks your heart a second time, I'll break his face.”

They shared a laugh as they pulled to a stop outside their house, but after Kayleigh unbuckled her seatbelt, she turned to face her friend.

“I'm not gonna rush into anything,” she told her. “I don't think a coffee could hurt anything though, talk things through like we never had chance to. Kel, he held me like he didn't want to let me go. It's not gonna make things better if I make the same mistake he did, is it?” She pressed her hand to Kelly's arm and willed her to at least partially understand. “He was the love of my life. Still is, as stupid as that might make me.”

The blonde covered Kayleigh's hand with her own and squeezed it. “You've a heart of gold, you have,” she told her fondly. “I'll support whatever choice you make, as long as you're making it for you. If you think you could make a go of it, I'm chuffed to bits for you. Come here.” With that, Kayleigh was pulled into a tight hug.

* * *

Kayleigh had just slipped into bed when her mobile rang from her bedside table, lit up with John's caller ID. She'd never had the heart to completely delete him from her life, and seeing the name on her screen after so long without made her stomach twist. She remembered when they had constantly called each other during her only solo commute from Mandy and Steve's, how much she'd missed having his smile to greet her as she travelled amongst the public, only to be met with his beaming face in the end all the same.

She pressed to answer the call, heart in her mouth.

“Is this a good time?” His voice sounded immediately, clear as a bell unlike the way he had broken up constantly on the Metro Link that day. “It nearly rang out, that's all.”

“No, no, it's fine,” she assured, a little too quickly. She ran her fingers through her hair nervously, the cut shorter without her curly extensions clipped in. “I was just brushing my teeth,” she lied, absolutely unwilling to admit she'd been staring at her phone in a daze. “Didn't think you'd call so soon.” Her voice was collected and casual and she did her best to get her chest to comply to the same standards, shifting to sit cross-legged on her bed in her pyjamas.

“Thought it might be a bit odd if I didn't, like,” John explained, a touch awkward. She heard him clear his throat and could only imagine the sheepish look on his face. The part of her still angry with him got a kick out of the thought of him floundering, but the many parts of her still completely soft on him took pity and she couldn't help the small smile that tugged her lips up at the corners.

There was a long stretch of them just sitting quietly in the silence down the line. Kayleigh thought of her first day in the car with John, when she'd told him how she talked to fill the gaps and how there wouldn't be any more awkward silences between them. Funny how things worked out, she thought as she sat there and waited for him to make the first move.

“Did you get the tree back okay?” He asked eventually.

“Oh yeah, yeah,” Kayleigh said as she picked at a thread of cotton on her PJ bottoms. “It's still in the boot, we'll sort it tomorrow. I was shattered when I got in.”

John hummed. “Right. So are you out of your Mandy's now, then?” He asked curiously, and Kayleigh was hit then by how many questions she had, too. How much had changed since she'd been out of the loop, no longer able to have daily updates on John's life? They had so much catching up to do and she suddenly ached to be fully up to date on the ins and outs of the work gossip, what he'd watched on telly, how his Nana was doing. She missed being a staple in his day-to-day and hated how removed she felt, like a stranger.

“Yeah,” she answered him quietly, the slightest bit strained. “Our Kelly came home and we go halves on a house now. Feels good to have my own space again.” It also felt good to tell him something positive, to let him know that her life hadn't completely fallen apart after they parted ways. Maybe it was the more immature side of her, but it felt good anyway.

Another hum, and then John changed the subject. “You're missed,” he told her, and Kayleigh half expected him to tack on something about the store not being the same, to make the statement less personal and side-step any actual feeling like he always did.

“Nobody to keep your passenger seat warm now?” She asked, and the words left her before she could bite them back. She winced. “Sorry, sorry. Old wounds and all that.”

John, who had gone quiet, spoke up again. “Probably the least I deserve,” he reasoned.

“I know, but–” She cut herself off with a frown. “It’d be better to talk about all of this face to face, wouldn’t it?” It wasn’t an invitation in black and white, but left the offer dangling if John wanted to take it. With her teeth worrying her bottom lip, she quietly hoped he would.

“Yeah,” he said softly. “Yeah, I’d like that. Only if you’re sure.” He sounded tentative and cautious, rightfully so, but knowing the thought was clearly there made Kayleigh feel all the more sure.

She nodded to herself. “I’m sure.”

* * *

Waking up far earlier than necessary, Kayleigh found her stomach in knots as she thought about the day ahead. It was a Saturday, and she and John had agreed to meet at a small coffee place in a shopping centre at lunch time. It wasn’t far from Kayleigh’s home and when John had offered to drive to her instead of the other way around, she’d gratefully accepted.

She ended up standing flustered in front of her mirror, trying in vain to pick an outfit. As true as it was that it wasn’t exactly a typical date, it was still important; it was potentially the beginning of something new, something she had wanted for a long, long time.

“I think the peachy jumper is nice,” Kelly commented as clutched a mug of tea and leant against the doorway to Kayleigh’s bedroom. “You’ve been choosing for half an hour.”

Kayleigh found that the jumper looked quite nice beneath her long, mint-coloured pea coat. She paired them with jeans that hugged her legs and simple black boots, hoping that confidence in her outfit would somehow make up for the lack of it she felt otherwise. Her curls flowed down, extensions firmly in place, and her makeup remained the same save for the bright red lip.

“Give us a twirl,” Kelly said with a grin, and Kayleigh complied with a laugh. “You look stunning, babe. Honestly.”

The words were a comfort. “Thanks,” Kayleigh replied, giving her a smile. She smoothed her hands down her front once more, checked for lipstick on her teeth, and threw on some perfume last. “Well. I’d better make a move,” she said with an unsteady sigh, butterflies threatening to burst right out of her stomach.

Kelly smirked into her mug. “He certainly will.”

“Oh shut up, you.”

* * *

The coffee shop was surprisingly quiet for midday Saturday, the other larger chains nearby taking the brunt of the lunchtime rush. Kayleigh took a seat at a table furthest from the entrance, away from the draft as people quietly came and went. The smell of coffee and baked goods filled her senses and diluted her nervous butterflies to something more manageable, and she fiddled with her phone on the table top and admired the art on the walls as she waited for John to text.

A few minutes later, he walked through the doors.

The butterflies returned in a heartbeat.

**Author's Note:**

> For more Car Share content, follow my Tumblr [@kayleighkitson](https://kayleighkitson.tumblr.com/)!


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